my "Women's Movement"
**post disclaimer: I was weeding through my draft posts and found that I never published this one...for whatever reason. Maybe I was scared since I was saying things about my ex that may cause him to be mad. Maybe I just did not want to share these thoughts with the world but needed them out of my head. For whatever reason, it did not get published. I am publishing it now because I think it is beautiful... and I want to share it with the world.
August 8, 2018
June 15, 2018
The last two dates that I ran over 5.5 miles.
Today (September 30, 2018):
This is not my fastest run. I have run half-marathons at 9:30/mile. This is not my longest run. I have run two half-marathons in one week. This is one of my top 3 best runs. Here is why:
Since March of 2018 (almost 7 months ago) I have seen, felt, experienced, and began healing from loss, abandonment, disappointment, heartache, debt, toxic work stress, and irrational love. I found myself running this morning in head space that I have settled into. A space that must work two jobs. A space that is flooded by emotional, verbal, and mental trauma. A space that rests in soccer games, soccer practice, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Girls on the Run, and BBQs full of friendship. A space that provides hugs first thing in the morning, first thing after school, and first thing before closing their eyes at night. This space is my sole purpose each day.
I found myself running this morning in another space that transforms brain patterns in children who live in trauma, have had trauma, and may continue in trauma. My run was releasing work that I do at a day treatment school with children who have Emotional Disturbance, Oppositional Defiance, and various other special needs. It was releasing work with children who live in a residential facility and have lived in "the System" for years. And to top on another job that provides childcare for parents attending classes where they receive information and education about parenting, relationship skills, and self-care. I was running in the space that is emotionally exhausting, mentally exhausting, and on innumerable days is physically exhausting. This space is the trauma within my school children, my own children, and myself.
I found myself running this morning in a space that has absorbed these phrases: "I shouldn't have to pay support for my two children because she makes more money than me," "the kids have no reason for uncomfortableness unless it is from you," "no, she can't drop me from her insurance and no I won't pay for it," "you can get you and the kids your own Netflix account" .... and on and on and on. A space that needs to let these words go no matter how ludicrous. How insulting. How irrational. I was running to get them out of my space.
This week I found myself drawn to the doTERRA oils Geranium, Forgive, and Serenity. Not really knowing why. Not questioning it. Just wearing it, diffusing it, and soaking it in. This week I found myself feeling much anger and resentment. Anger and resentment that would come after processing, mulling over, and meditating on text messages and phone conversations. I somewhat rejoiced in the feeling of anger. It has finally come! I am finally angry after 7 months! I talked to friends and my therapist about the urges I had and looked into obtaining a punching bag. And...I just kept soaking up the oil. I finally looked up the oils needed for anger and resentment. Top three? Yep! Geranium, Forgive, and Serenity! It's crazy! My body and brain knows! As I continue on this journey and have experienced so much goodness and what true, honest love really is, I find I do not want the space or room for anger and resentment. It feels very uncomfortable to me. I want to push it out...or punch it out. :) (That makes me smile on the inside AND outside.) The essential oil concoction for moving forward through a divorce? I'll call it "Divorce Dance."
So after and during all the oil intake, I find myself reading articles on staying positive through a divorce. How to escape the negative trap of divorce. I read how healthy living is key to making better decisions. I read how exercising releases stress. I read that remembering your true self is important and divorce does not define you. The list is lengthy when it comes to advice on surviving a divorce. Yet, they all seem to say the same thing only in different rearrangements of words. And, if I'm doing all these things on a very regular basis, how is it that I still feel like a failure or hopeless? How is it I still feel extreme heart-wrenching pain? Why do my impulses want to punch something (possibly a certain person's face)? Why does running 3 miles feel like I just got started and should run 3 more to feel closer to balanced? (If only my schedule allowed for that extra 3 miles!)
My conclusion...keep moving forward. I chant that, encourage that, model that every week in an innumerable amount of times during my Girls on the Run practices. It is a life-changing phrase that I believe in. It is a phrase that can be used in the training for a 5k or marathon. It is a phrase that can be used with Life. That is what is going to get me to... the end??? I believe this journey has no end. It is merely a ... journey.
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August 8, 2018
June 15, 2018
The last two dates that I ran over 5.5 miles.
Today (September 30, 2018):
This is not my fastest run. I have run half-marathons at 9:30/mile. This is not my longest run. I have run two half-marathons in one week. This is one of my top 3 best runs. Here is why:
Since March of 2018 (almost 7 months ago) I have seen, felt, experienced, and began healing from loss, abandonment, disappointment, heartache, debt, toxic work stress, and irrational love. I found myself running this morning in head space that I have settled into. A space that must work two jobs. A space that is flooded by emotional, verbal, and mental trauma. A space that rests in soccer games, soccer practice, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Girls on the Run, and BBQs full of friendship. A space that provides hugs first thing in the morning, first thing after school, and first thing before closing their eyes at night. This space is my sole purpose each day.
I found myself running this morning in another space that transforms brain patterns in children who live in trauma, have had trauma, and may continue in trauma. My run was releasing work that I do at a day treatment school with children who have Emotional Disturbance, Oppositional Defiance, and various other special needs. It was releasing work with children who live in a residential facility and have lived in "the System" for years. And to top on another job that provides childcare for parents attending classes where they receive information and education about parenting, relationship skills, and self-care. I was running in the space that is emotionally exhausting, mentally exhausting, and on innumerable days is physically exhausting. This space is the trauma within my school children, my own children, and myself.
I found myself running this morning in a space that has absorbed these phrases: "I shouldn't have to pay support for my two children because she makes more money than me," "the kids have no reason for uncomfortableness unless it is from you," "no, she can't drop me from her insurance and no I won't pay for it," "you can get you and the kids your own Netflix account" .... and on and on and on. A space that needs to let these words go no matter how ludicrous. How insulting. How irrational. I was running to get them out of my space.
This week I found myself drawn to the doTERRA oils Geranium, Forgive, and Serenity. Not really knowing why. Not questioning it. Just wearing it, diffusing it, and soaking it in. This week I found myself feeling much anger and resentment. Anger and resentment that would come after processing, mulling over, and meditating on text messages and phone conversations. I somewhat rejoiced in the feeling of anger. It has finally come! I am finally angry after 7 months! I talked to friends and my therapist about the urges I had and looked into obtaining a punching bag. And...I just kept soaking up the oil. I finally looked up the oils needed for anger and resentment. Top three? Yep! Geranium, Forgive, and Serenity! It's crazy! My body and brain knows! As I continue on this journey and have experienced so much goodness and what true, honest love really is, I find I do not want the space or room for anger and resentment. It feels very uncomfortable to me. I want to push it out...or punch it out. :) (That makes me smile on the inside AND outside.) The essential oil concoction for moving forward through a divorce? I'll call it "Divorce Dance."
So after and during all the oil intake, I find myself reading articles on staying positive through a divorce. How to escape the negative trap of divorce. I read how healthy living is key to making better decisions. I read how exercising releases stress. I read that remembering your true self is important and divorce does not define you. The list is lengthy when it comes to advice on surviving a divorce. Yet, they all seem to say the same thing only in different rearrangements of words. And, if I'm doing all these things on a very regular basis, how is it that I still feel like a failure or hopeless? How is it I still feel extreme heart-wrenching pain? Why do my impulses want to punch something (possibly a certain person's face)? Why does running 3 miles feel like I just got started and should run 3 more to feel closer to balanced? (If only my schedule allowed for that extra 3 miles!)
My conclusion...keep moving forward. I chant that, encourage that, model that every week in an innumerable amount of times during my Girls on the Run practices. It is a life-changing phrase that I believe in. It is a phrase that can be used in the training for a 5k or marathon. It is a phrase that can be used with Life. That is what is going to get me to... the end??? I believe this journey has no end. It is merely a ... journey.
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