if it's meant to be (a mind dump)

 

I think it is time to talk about things.  

It has been about 3 weeks since my husband got on a plane and flew to California to admit himself into a $40,000 a month rehabilitation center with my medical insurance.  Without telling me.  

Let that sink in a moment.  Without telling me.

Just four days prior to that, we were laying in bed together whispering "I love you's."  Within a week, we would have to close on the sale of our house that we have owned almost 12 years and move into a new house.  Just like magic, he is gone without a conversation or discussion with myself or our two children.

He tells me over the phone when he had a layover, that he plans to be gone 120 days this time....because the first time (just this last November) he should have stayed longer.  He would later say he did it because he knew I would talk him out of it and he was doing too much damage to everyone.  He would also say that he could not ever talk to me about what was going on within him.  I am learning that these are lies he is telling himself to justify the very rash and very inappropriate abandonment behavior that he has chosen to do.  

Al-Anon tells me that alcoholism is a terrible disease that should be looked at separately from the person.  I currently struggle with this idea.  Al-Anon also tells me to focus on me and my recovery, not the alcoholic.  So, here is focusing on me...

I want to be with a person who cherishes and respects the family's growth together.  I want to be with a person who is curious about my thoughts, feelings, and ideas...not assuming of them.  I want to be with a person who makes big decisions as a partnership and does not think twice about talking to me.  I want to be with a person who says "I love you" and follows it up with amazingly beautiful and respectful actions.  I want to be with a person who demonstrates an ability to tackle life in safe, respectful, and responsible ways that teach my children how to do the same.  I want to be with a person who I can look in the eye and be proud.  I want to be with a person who can love me the way I need to be loved, respect me the way I need to be respected, and hold me up the way I need to be held.

I am mourning the loss of this.  I had this.  My husband did not see it.  The alcohol or low self-esteem or whatever people want to blame it on did not allow him to see this.  It did not - does not - allow him to see what we had.  It is what we HAD, because I feel the absence of it now.  It is no longer there when someone abandons his family and says, "You're a strong woman, you got this."

I am only as strong as my God makes me to be, and He only allows what I can handle.  I am handling this because there is no other option.  My God did not tell my husband to leave.  My God allowed him to leave knowing He would support me in ways my husband never could, can, or will.  It has not been easy.  It is not easy.  It is, by far, the hardest experience I have ever been through.  To mourn the loss of my best friend, husband, and lover...and also be a supportive mother to two children who mourn the loss of their father and have hurt feelings and anger...is exhausting.  Then there is the responsibility of selling a house and cleaning out a house and moving a house and coping with all the transition and loss that comes with it for myself and my children.

It is no wonder I started to lose hair again with a sore on my scalp.  (doTERRA Rosemary, Cypress, and Grapefruit essential oils cleared that up real quick- within a day!!!)  It is no wonder my healthy eating habits and running regimen have diminished. (doTERRA Life Long Vitality supplements are replenishing some stress-damaged cells!!!)  I also commit to my children at least 30 minutes EVERY day of "family time" where there is physical, emotional, and mental contact.  I commit to surrounding myself and children with only good people who are kind, giving, and rational.  I also commit to saying to myself at least 5 positive affirmations a day that start with, "I am..."  I give my children more grace.  I give myself more grace.  Maybe all that is the "opportunity" that is within this horrible, awful, and unfathomable experience or problem. (Must read: What Do You Do With a Problem? by Kobi Yamada or watch my YouTube video: https://youtu.be/JOW2N_AZEwU ).  Maybe my God allowed this, but His heart aches as much as mine does because He was part of the good that was there.  There may not ever be a happy ending, but my God reassures me there will be happy moments along the journey- I will keep my eyes, ears, and heart open.....