My Purpose

I am trying to figure some things out....

God, it feels so good to be me and do what I like to do ... and then the guilt creeps in.  These last few weeks have found me at home with the kids ... doing administration things (i.e. invoices, scheduling, contacting clients, planning, estimates, etc.) ... while Jay goes to work (i.e. outside...physically laboring our business).  I find it difficult  most days to feel that I have a purpose ... to function as if I have a purpose.  Why do I start to think about what I should NOT be doing instead of listening to what the Universe has brought me?  It has brought me to what I have dreamed of having - time to write ... time to read ... time to research ... time to meditate and go with the life flow of things.  I have looked at my bookshelf with so many unread books and unwritten daily devotion practices.  I have looked at them with desire to have the time to USE them ... to explore them ... to make them happen.  Now that I have the opportunity, I feel guilty ... and judged.  Yet, by who?  Why should it matter?  Why do I care that it matters from someone else's perspective?  I am still living in this mind space that my life has to look a certain way- which is the conventional "you have a 9-5, Monday-Friday job with vacation pay, blah, blah 👎."  Why do I feel like I am not contributing to the household when I'm not leaving the house and physically working?It is kind of ludicrous thinking once I reflect on it.  

And YET ... it is what has formed my mental state up until this point in my life.  It is what society has pushed on us.  It is what my upbringing has said.  It is the things that are ingrained into my consciousness.  I love that I can recognize it at times.  I can now embrace who I REALLY want to be or how I want to live my life.  I am embracing it instead of resisting it.  This is an ever-changing world, where our opportunities have opened up to so many avenues that were not there before ... work-from-home, online learning/teaching, build your own business, recreate yourself ... the list goes on.  I used to be very anti-social media (still am at times).  I see now that it is what you make of it.  You use it for your own purpose.  My purpose is to help.  My purpose is to tell my ever-changing story with the hopes that someone will find comfort, laughter, love, grace, stability, acknowledgment, motivation, care, knowledge ... anything that helps them grow as a human.  Even if that growth is so minute that it goes unnoticed.  Our mental state is so very important for our overall body health and family health.  This has become my purpose ... sharing about my mental state and helping others with theirs.